Some expansion on my "irritating" tweet from last night...
Category Everything Else
Admittedly, yesterday was a very long day with lots of emotions and such twirling about in my head. Since writing helps me clarify things to myself, here's what was going on...
I'm not terribly confident or adept in social/public settings. There have been numerous times where after some gathering (or even during), I've gotten "the look" from the wife (guys, you know the one) or the kick/nudge which is the "shut up or die" indicator. Since I also deal with self-confidence/self-image/depression issues, I tend to become hyper-aware of trying not to offend/irritate/put anyone out. At least when I'm at home, I can mitigate some of this by retreating to my basement man cave and existing in my own world, where online words are the main source of my image. That's not to say that I don't screw up with words, either. But at least I feel like I'm on a more level playing field there.
One of the ways this manifests itself is how I react in crowds. You know how you feel when you're in a line expecting everything to keep moving, and you end up stuck behind the person who acts like they've been dropped from outer space and has no clue as to how things work? You go from not noticing to wondering what the problem is to "OMG WILL YOU JUST MOVE OUT OF THE WAY SO EVERYONE ELSE CAN GET ON WITH THEIR LIVES?!?!?"
Well, touring in a different country makes me the space alien...
All the social cues I depend on are gone. All the past experiences of "this is how things are done" become a hindrance (because that's not how other cultures do things). I fumble for my transit card at a turnstyle while others are queuing behind me (and in a rush to actually get somewhere on time). I get to the bottom of an escalator, faced with a decision to turn left or right for the correct tube platform, and I don't know the answer. But I can't stop where I am, as there's a thousand people behind me who DO know where they're going. I try to push against a wall to get out of peoples' way to read the choices, but even then I seem to be in the way.
An example from last night...
I needed to take a bus from Richmond to get back to Tim and Gab's place. So many unknowns for me there. Which bus to take? Which stop? Which direction? What's the fare? What's coming up in terms of where we are and where we get off? So we get on the bus and need to figure out the fare. In Portland, you need exact change or else you forfeit the extra money. We're trying to ask the driver for the fare and get something reasonably close to the right amount. Meanwhile, I'm in the way of others behind us. I pull out coins, and end up staring at them trying to figure out what denominations I have. Oh, and I'm still blocking the way. After that, I need to find a seat (of which there aren't any) without clobbering people with my bags. When someone wants to get off the bus, who is the person in front of the exit? Me... and so on and so on. And when I *do* try to make a decision or choice, it's reasonably good odds that it's the wrong one. And of course, that just adds to the "I'm an idiot" feeling on top of everything else. Doesn't matter that it's not true or that it was a really trivial thing. It was yet again another "mistake."
After a long day of walking and the emotional experience of the War museum, it all adds up.
I know all the "right" answers as to how it really doesn't matter, people are not feeling that way, let it go, etc. But if you struggle with those things, you desperately just want to fold in on yourself to occupy as little space as possible so as not to irritate any more people.
And hence my tweet from last night...
So now after a night's sleep (and a dose of my meds which I may have forgotten for a day with travel and such), I put yesterday behind me and start again...
Admittedly, yesterday was a very long day with lots of emotions and such twirling about in my head. Since writing helps me clarify things to myself, here's what was going on...
I'm not terribly confident or adept in social/public settings. There have been numerous times where after some gathering (or even during), I've gotten "the look" from the wife (guys, you know the one) or the kick/nudge which is the "shut up or die" indicator. Since I also deal with self-confidence/self-image/depression issues, I tend to become hyper-aware of trying not to offend/irritate/put anyone out. At least when I'm at home, I can mitigate some of this by retreating to my basement man cave and existing in my own world, where online words are the main source of my image. That's not to say that I don't screw up with words, either. But at least I feel like I'm on a more level playing field there.
One of the ways this manifests itself is how I react in crowds. You know how you feel when you're in a line expecting everything to keep moving, and you end up stuck behind the person who acts like they've been dropped from outer space and has no clue as to how things work? You go from not noticing to wondering what the problem is to "OMG WILL YOU JUST MOVE OUT OF THE WAY SO EVERYONE ELSE CAN GET ON WITH THEIR LIVES?!?!?"
Well, touring in a different country makes me the space alien...
All the social cues I depend on are gone. All the past experiences of "this is how things are done" become a hindrance (because that's not how other cultures do things). I fumble for my transit card at a turnstyle while others are queuing behind me (and in a rush to actually get somewhere on time). I get to the bottom of an escalator, faced with a decision to turn left or right for the correct tube platform, and I don't know the answer. But I can't stop where I am, as there's a thousand people behind me who DO know where they're going. I try to push against a wall to get out of peoples' way to read the choices, but even then I seem to be in the way.
An example from last night...
I needed to take a bus from Richmond to get back to Tim and Gab's place. So many unknowns for me there. Which bus to take? Which stop? Which direction? What's the fare? What's coming up in terms of where we are and where we get off? So we get on the bus and need to figure out the fare. In Portland, you need exact change or else you forfeit the extra money. We're trying to ask the driver for the fare and get something reasonably close to the right amount. Meanwhile, I'm in the way of others behind us. I pull out coins, and end up staring at them trying to figure out what denominations I have. Oh, and I'm still blocking the way. After that, I need to find a seat (of which there aren't any) without clobbering people with my bags. When someone wants to get off the bus, who is the person in front of the exit? Me... and so on and so on. And when I *do* try to make a decision or choice, it's reasonably good odds that it's the wrong one. And of course, that just adds to the "I'm an idiot" feeling on top of everything else. Doesn't matter that it's not true or that it was a really trivial thing. It was yet again another "mistake."
After a long day of walking and the emotional experience of the War museum, it all adds up.
I know all the "right" answers as to how it really doesn't matter, people are not feeling that way, let it go, etc. But if you struggle with those things, you desperately just want to fold in on yourself to occupy as little space as possible so as not to irritate any more people.
And hence my tweet from last night...
So now after a night's sleep (and a dose of my meds which I may have forgotten for a day with travel and such), I put yesterday behind me and start again...
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Comments
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Posted by Jason At 03:40:32 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
Constant running against a wall is very normal to me at this point, but that doesn't make it fun to deal with.
The one thing it has taught me though is persistence, not giving up/going away easily, which has positively affected many, many parts of my life.
There still is a valid place for stopping something, giving up and "going home" but..... how privileged are we to be alive and able to shape our own destiny?!?
(hugs)
Posted by francie At 04:19:28 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Charles Robinson At 04:21:48 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
I find that "not caring a bit about other people" helps. Sadly, that's not a very good idea in general, but sometimes, just not caring works!
In any case - bloody good write-up. Hope it gave som relief, and that today has been better.
Posted by Lars Olufsen At 06:59:59 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
(hugs)
Posted by Ima At 07:30:57 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
You may not remember me, but we worked together a few years ago. Oh, by the way, you were right. Lotus Notes os far superior to Outlook. But you already knew that.
Posted by Erin B At 07:39:35 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
They say that people who are brave aren't the ones with no fear; they are the ones who overcome their fear. That seems to be the trick for me. I don't expect my brain or id or whatever to change how it deals with those situations, I just try to force myself to work through it.
No easy answers, but you DO have lots of friends!
Posted by Julian Robichaux At 11:02:35 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Adult Person At 11:05:43 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Jason At 11:26:02 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Julian Robichaux At 12:24:17 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Thomas Duff At 13:22:34 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Rob McDonagh At 13:38:31 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of the little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Thats what we your chums are here for think of us as the "Refreshment Brigade"
{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}} Steve & VaL
PS I wish I had actually said that first.. Kudos to Khalil Gilbran for yet another apt wordage
Posted by Steve McDonagh At 15:08:48 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
-Humor - everyone around you has been there, they're no better/worse than you. Tell jokes. Even bad ones. You may be surprised by the reaction.
-Ask for help - changes everything. If they don't want to stop for a second and help you at no cost to them, then they're the asshole, not you.
-Compassion - you need less of it :).
-Understanding - next time you see someone looking lost at home, take a second to remember that night, and try to help them out.
-Old Quote - if you're worried about what people are thinking about you, here's the answer - they're not. :)
Posted by Brian Benz At 15:11:15 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Thomas Duff At 22:37:37 On 27/05/2011 | - Website - |
I travel a *lot* these days. To calculate amount of times I have made a complete knob of myself when away would require Watson. Don't knock yourself for traveling and not understanding local currency, traditions, transport. It's normal.
And in your own culture and community, you have never been anything but fantastic company. Intelligent and witty.
Barely got to speak to you in Manchester. Really regret that.
BTW - @8. Most likely passing through yes? Not a part of this "community" no? Shame. Because if you were we would most likely meet, then I would get to tell you how much of a fucking idiot you are to your face. But nah.. your not the type to have the balls to actually leave real details are you? Twat.
Posted by Paul Mooney At 15:19:11 On 28/05/2011 | - Website - |
1. self pity is valueless.
2. everyone else faces the same problems to one degree or another
3. whinning is annoying
And to Mr Mooney, I only wish we -could- meet, my friend, and work it out...see if you have all the balls you think you have.
Posted by Adult Person At 08:14:03 On 29/05/2011 | - Website - |
It's very simple really. Thanks. Now move along....
Posted by francie At 11:38:29 On 29/05/2011 | - Website - |
1. Self-knowledge is invaluable.
2. Some people never leave their comfort zone, yet still feel compelled to criticize those who do.
3. Yes, whining IS annoying, so please stop.
Yep, you're a twat all right. Still bravely hiding behind anonymity - I think instead of 'Adult Person,' Tom should update your comments so they're from 'T. Wat' instead. Tom's too classy to do it, though...
Posted by Rob McDonagh At 13:53:01 On 29/05/2011 | - Website - |
I wish we could meet too boyo. Let's see. I'm easy enough to find. But then again I use my real details. You, on the other hand, are a troll. And a very nasty one too. You have no idea of the people involved or the people responding. Instead you get shitty and then try to justify.
Your ISP references Salem. I was there recently. Will be there again soon.
Now have the decency to take this to my site or my mail. Both of which I reference publicly.
Or when you get a minute.. just fuck off.
Twat.
Posted by Paul Mooney At 13:58:00 On 29/05/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Eileen Fitzgerald At 15:24:53 On 29/05/2011 | - Website - |
Regardless... If your goal was to wound, you failed. I write for me, and if it helps others, so much the better. When I post these types of entries, the overwhelming reaction is positive. Given that track record, I think your 'absolute facts' fall very flat.
And if I had to bet on the outcome, I'd be putting my $/€/£ on the Irish lad over you....
Posted by Thomas Duff At 02:21:40 On 30/05/2011 | - Website - |
@Tom, will you please quit looking in my head and the writing about it. ;o)
It was great to meat you and finally talk to you in Manchester.
Just an FYI, it's not only when I travel to other countries that I feel like this. I do this all day, every day. Even in the supermarket line I'm the one trying to make sure that all the barcodes are facing the right way to make it quicker for me, the checkout operator and the line of people behind me.
I get a small thrill of satisfaction from getting to the train barrier having remembered to get my ticket out. And I do get impatient with everyone else, who gets to the barrier and is surprised that they need their ticket. or gets to the checkout, having put all their goods on the conveyor belt and stood their waiting for 2-5mins to get served and is then surprised when asked for money to pay for it! WTF is that all about?
But like you, I try to make myself invisible for most of the time.
God bless and keep travelling. You are a fantastic ambassador for your country.
Posted by Tim Clark At 01:30:47 On 31/05/2011 | - Website - |
And I thought *I* was the only person who did that with the UPC codes! I don't always do that when putting a full shopping load on the belt for checkout, but I normally try and position the UPC stuff towards the cashier in small stores for small purchases...
Posted by Thomas Duff At 03:08:01 On 31/05/2011 | - Website - |
1. No, I am not someone else posting here, that is posting also under this Psuedonym, and is a white guy playing a black guy who is playing a white guy ......just a little too clever, there.
2. The three things I listed under Absolute Facts are just that. Do you think self pity has value ? That everyone doesn't have social anxieties, that you are completely unique in that way ? Or that whinning is NOT annoying ? So much for them "falling flat". I think you may be a lot less smart than you think you are....
3. No, my goal was Not to wound. It was a comment, guy. You have a blog. You have it set up where people can comment. I did. Is that such a big deal ? Only cute little fun comments are allowed ? From the way you and the laughable young Mr Mooney and others are acting, there was a Federal offense. Please, dude, if its that big a deal, just delete then comment so you don't have to die of wounded pride. Get over yourself and your little on-line persona, ok ?
Posted by Adult Person At 18:58:53 On 02/06/2011 | - Website - |
Posted by Thomas Duff At 19:41:30 On 02/06/2011 | - Website - |