"What the hell just happened?
Did I just get my ass kicked by a squirrel!?!! "
There have also been discussions among senior
Naval and Coast Guard staff who are considering its use in the war on terrorism
as part of the fleet used to maintain Maritime Domain Awareness.
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "
The Code : ...
"Dysfunctional" sayings include:
RUMORS TRUE • PRENUP OKAY? • HE CAN LISTEN • GAME ON TV
CALL A 900# • P.S. I LUV ME • DO MY DISHES • UWATCH CMT
PAROLE IS UP! • BE MY YOKO • U+ME=GRIEF • I WANT HALF
RETURN 2 PIT • NOT MY MOMMY • BE MY PRISON • C THAT DOOR?
Truly, "BitterSweets(tm)" are the perfect gift for you OR for
someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn't
want to hurt your feelings but just doesn't feel that way about you but
still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their
crushes on someone who doesn't appreciate them like you do, can't love
them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd
of fawning "just friends" behind themselves as they indulge in
one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding
true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.
(You know what we're talking about.)
Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.
The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.
The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they
could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the f*** away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses, give yourself a b***j** while waiting to be rescued.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
Austin is radioactive, move to Houston
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one!
| Now... I suppose one could find
humor in the irony of a book from Microsoft Press having the words "secure"
and "code" together in the title... But no, it goes even
further than that... It's not in the picture, but the book has a quote line ON THE COVER at the bottom: "Required reading by all programmers at Microsoft" - B. Gates Ok... they may all HAVE a copy, but I'm betting it's used to raise the monitor a couple of inches... It's for sure they aren't READING the thing! |
